Grown men gasp in awe, Women turn pale and faint, children run for home when

The Wild-Eyed Mountain Man speaks…

From somewhere in Western Montana, the Wild-Eyed Mountain Man ventures forth from the wilderness to bring nuggets of wisdom to the valley folk.

Narrator: The WEMM recently reluctantly joined the vacation time highway masses and completed a long and arduous driving trip down South and back...

So WEMM, how was the trip?

WEMM: It was good when it started and even better when it was over and it really made me appreciate home!

What some refer to in excited tones as a "vacation adventure" I would describe as only slightly better than a poke in the eye with a sharp stick. Here are a few highlights from the "trip"…

It's really all in how you say it...

While passing a large cemetery in a Southern state, the Wild Eyed Mountain Woman remarked...(WEMW) "We were taught to stay away from places like that, it's where people are killed and raped" which prompted yours truly (WEMM) to think (and say),

"so you have a lot of trouble with homicidal necrophiliac rapists in the South?"

And that Reminds me of a sign that reads…

Tha End is Near! Turn Youself Around Now! Before It's Too Late!

It probably should have just said… Bridge Out!

Narrator: Wow! I can't believe you thought that much less said that, I'm afraid to ask, but do you have any other pearls from your trip to the Deep South?

WEMM: Why yes I do...

WEMM was encouraged (again) by the WEMW's father to look for "Native Artifacts" in places where spring flow waterfalls have existed.

The idea is to sell same "Native Artifacts" (rounded rocks) on eBay or at Gun Shows.

WEMM was so inspired by this innovative idea of his father-in-law that I now plan to collect the small round rocks from a local riverbank with the intention to sell those as examples of early "primitive weapons".

Narrator: You never fail to astound me, really! Anything else that you'd like to share with our readers?

WEMM: A couple of days ago I told the WEMW that I had a dream in which I was flying.

She asked me if I was flapping my arms or flying like superman.

That surprised me, but I think she did ask an interesting question.

And BTW, Narrator, I was not flapping my arms...so you can stop laughing.

Narrator: Do you suppose the WEMW was just exercising her sense of humor?

WEMM: Quite possibly, though it seems to be a dry humor, possibly a Chenin Blanc, and speaking of humor.

Solve this riddle...

You are driving in a car at a constant speed. On your left side is a valley and on your right side is a car traveling at the same speed as you.

In front of you is a running pig which is the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it. Behind you is an airplane flying at ground level.

Both the giant pig and the airplane are also traveling at the same speed as you. What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?

(stumped? then see the WEMM's answer below)

Narrator: Anything else to share before you disappear back into the wilds of western Montana?

WEMM: Sure, this story comes to mind...

A dog held a juicy bone in his jaws as he crossed a bridge over a brook.

When he looked down into the water he saw another dog below with what appeared to be a bigger and juicier bone.

He jumped into the brook to snatch the bigger bone, letting go of his own bone,

But the dog in the water disappeared and so did the tempting bone, and so he ended up with nothing.

Moral ...being greedy is not always in your best interest.

(riddle answer...Stop drinking and get off the merry-go-round.)

Narrator: So long for now wise and learned one, once again you have left me inspired and in need of an aspirin.

WEMM: As I ride slowly off into the sunset on Chester the wild-eyed mountain mule, let me pass on this Scam Alert!

This new scam is being pulled mainly on older men. What happens is that when you stop for a red light a good-looking young nude woman comes up and pretends to be washing your windshield.

While she is doing this another person opens your back door and steals anything in the backseat.

They are very good at this. They got me 3 times last Friday and 2 times on Saturday.

I wasn't able to find them on Sunday.